Today was my first day of freelance work. I decided to take this role after careful and rational consideration: it pays well, I am working 4 days a week and I only need to give a week’s notice if I no longer wish to continue. Today started out harmless enough with setting up my computer, e-mail, voicemail, familiarizing myself with the accounts etc., but by lunchtime I had an anxiety attack. What was I doing? I had quit my job for a reason. I had quit my job because I wanted to write, I wanted to become a writer. And instead of moving towards my goal, I was getting back to where I started.
I could feel an unpleasant shiver moving up and down through my body. It really started this morning when I found myself crammed inside a carriage full of commuters again. And then later when I was walking towards the office, joined by an army of office workers, walking in spiteful silence, marching their feet on the cold concrete.
It has taken me a lot of courage and determination to quit my job. I wasn’t going to let all that go to waste. I was going to quit the very next day! Again!
But once I got home I tried to make a bit more sense out of things. So I’ve spent the last two months at home and hardly made any progress towards becoming a writer. I also spent money, which I now need. However, that nasty wave I felt in my body when I found myself in front of a computer, inside an office, under a fluorescent ceiling, made me realise that sometimes you need to face your worst nightmare right in the face before moving your sorry arse towards your dream. Otherwise dreams tend to gather dust and become forgotten.
So I’ve decided not to quit just yet. Maybe the threat of a 3 months well paid job will put a motor on my back side, since now I’m in bed, laptop in my lap, searching the world wide web for writing opportunities. Something I did not do in two months of ‘dolce far niente’ because I didn’t feel the urgency quite badly enough. But now I do. And I found out the hard way how people like me need to get motivated. By being scared of the alternative!